What Christmas lights taught me about money gaps in relationships

It was a 60 degree, sunny day in Minneapolis – a rare occasion in March. I needed a reason to stay outside, so began unwinding the Christmas lights in the bushes of our front yard – and had a revelation: I’ve never done this job before. We’ve lived in this house for 30 years and I have never, ever, taken down the Christmas lights. That’s my husband’s job.

It got me thinking about how we divided chores in our relationship. Did we sit down and consciously divvy things up? No. We just settled into a routine: Mike does all the cooking (and holiday decorating) and I manage the money. We both do our own laundry because, when we were first married, I shrunk his wool sweater and he put my satin pillowcase in the dryer.

How we divide and conquer chores

How do people decide who does what in a relationship? For most, I think it comes down to two things: 1) who cares more, and 2) what’s fair. Mike is truly interested in trying new recipes and watching cooking shows to learn more. I am fascinated by tracking our spending and keeping our investment accounts growing.

It’s the opposite of how most of our friends handle things, but for us, it feels fair. Many years ago, we had a Big Fight about who was more stressed at the end of the day, and angrily agreed to swap chores. He would manage the money and I’d make Taco Tuesday a daily thing. It took less than a week for us both to surrender.

Duke University has done research specifically on how people delegate money responsibilities in relationships and found something similar. There are obvious chores to keep a household running – childcare, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, doctor appointments, etc. If one person is doing the lion’s share of those, then other things get assigned by default.

What research shows about men and money

Duke found that managing the money tended to be a default assignment. No one raised their hand for it and, out of fairness, men most often took it on because their partners were doing more of everything else. Also, likely, because women believe (and research backs this) their partners know more than they do about money and investing.  Which isn’t actually true.

Most couples start with similar levels of financial skill, but if one person has to figure it out on a daily basis, then he reads and practices and gains knowledge. Not surprisingly, within a few years, the knowledge gap – which was just a trickle – has become an ocean.

This has huge implications for women

• As the knowledge gap grows, women’s confidence about money shrinks. By the time they are in their 40s, women are more likely to say they’re reluctant to leave a not-so-good relationship because they don’t know where they stand, financially.

• Because women live longer and divorce is so common, research shows

  80-90% of women will manage their finances alone at some point in their lives; Yet they enter that reality with little experience. In a UBS study,

• 8 out of 10 widows said they wish they’d been more involved in money decisions earlier in their marriage.

• Whoever manages the money has more control over spending decisions, because they know what can or can’t be afforded. That doesn’t necessarily mean they make good, well-informed decisions –  it just means the other partner defers to them on money issues.

• There can be significant repercussions, like only one person’s name is on the mortgage, or the brokerage accounts, or the utility bills. Maybe it’s not even intentional – it’s just easier to open an account in one person’s name – but the impacts can be devastating. In case of a divorce or death, she has no rights to the house or the investment assets without a legal process, and may not be able to switch the utility bills to her name without an administrative nightmare.

Long story short: Don’t hand over all money responsibilities to your partner. Stay involved. It doesn’t mean you have to manage everything, but you do need to talk about it.

And if you’ve already given over control? It’s not too late. Nudge your way back into the conversation. Let your partner know how much you appreciate all he’s doing, and you’d like his help to feel more confident and in-the-know about your financial situation.

How to nudge your way back into the conversation

1: Ask for a 30-minute money tour

Start simply – by understanding what already exists. Sit down with a couple glasses of wine and ask your partner to help you understand the basics.

• Where the accounts are. (Which banks? Which investment firms?)
• How the bills get paid and roughly what it costs to live. (rent/mortgage, utilities, car payments, food, savings.)
• Where the account passwords are. (In a notebook? An app?)

Think of it like asking someone to show you around a new workplace. You’re not taking the job — you’re just learning the layout.

Even a quick tour closes a big knowledge gap and makes future conversations easier.

2: Play a game to see how aligned your goals are

Making money decisions without knowing your “why” just feels like a chore.  Why are you ordering less Doordash? Because you want to go to Italy!

There’s an easy way to get started: This deck of Discovery Cards lists the most frequent money and life goals people have in their 20s and 30s. Some will resonate for you, others won’t – but it makes the process quick and fun. Each of you choose your top two or three (no peeking), then compare.

3. Schedule a simple “money check-in”

Couples who talk about money regularly make better decisions. You may find your partner is relieved about your new interest, because managing money alone feels like a lot of pressure.

Every three months, schedule a 20-minute check-in to look at:

• account balances
• any big upcoming expenses
• progress toward goals – or new goals

No spreadsheets required. Just a quick conversation.

The day I saw the light

Back in my front yard, Mike opened the door and was shocked to see piles of Christmas lights on the sidewalk.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Learning how long it must take you to put these up every year,” I said. “I’m amazed how many strings there are!”

I’m not taking over this job any time soon, but I have a new appreciation for what he does – and now I know where in the garage the lights are stored. I even offered to help test for burned-out bulbs next year, which is the part he hates most. (Yes, I’ll test lights in the warm house if you hang them on a frigid day.)

Money in a relationship works the same way. One person may manage most of it, but both should know how it works. Because some day, one of you may have to hang the lights alone.